Listosaurus Rex

Including games that have come bundled with systems, here is a list of the top fifteen bestselling video games of all time, as of March 2008:

1. Super Mario Bros. - NES - 40 million copies *
2. Tetris - Game Boy - 33 million copies *
3. Pokemon Red/Blue - Game Boy - 20.08 million copies
4. Super Mario World - SNES - 20 million copies *
5. Super Mario Bros. 3 - NES - 18 million copies
6. Wii Sports - Wii - 17.85 million copies *
7. Nintendogs -DS - 17.79 million copies
8. Grand Theft Auto: Vice City - PS2 - 15 million copies
9. Gran Turismo 3: A-Spec - PS2 - 14.87 million copies
10. Pokemon Gold/Silver - Game Boy - 14.51 million copies
11. Pokemon Diamond/Pearl - DS - 14.17 million opies
12. Super Mario Land - Game Boy - 14 million copies
13. New Super Mario Bros. - DS - 13.14 million copies
14. Pokemon Ruby/Sapphire - GBA - 13 million copies
15. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas - PS2 - 12 million copies

* - game included with a system as a bundle

Nabbing all of the top seven spots are games from Nintendo consoles, including Wii Sports at #6 from the current generation, which is sure to jump at least to #3 by the time Nintendo releases its next console.

Topping the list is Super Mario Bros., which gets an enormous amount of help from the fact that it was included with the system, not to mention the fact that it is routinely cited as the best game of all time by web-sites and other publications. However, Super Mario Bros. 3 at #5 shows that you don’t need those things to sell ridiculously well as a Mario game. Also, #12 on this list is a remake of #1, just emphasizing how marketable the game is without the bundling.

At #2 is Tetris, also widely acclaimed as among the greatest and most influential games ever. Have you ever met someone who doesn’t like Tetris? If so, they’re probably a cynic or lying.

Then, at #3 is Pokemon, the greatest video game sensation of them all. I remember well when every kid would be playing it during recess at school, while eating at Burger King, while waiting in the dentist’s office — everywhere, for that matter. It doesn’t surprise me at all that it’s so high on the list.

Standing strong at #4 is another bundled game, Super Mario World, perhaps my favorite game ever. It remained among the most recognized and beloved games of the 16-bit era.

Taking the fifth spot is Super Mario Bros. 3. This one surprised me more than any game out of the top ten. Though I know it is one of the most widely known and loved games of all time, I didn’t know it sold at a volume that almost matched Pokemon. I guess I’ve always underestimated the amount of NES’s that were sold.

At sixth and rising is Wii Sports. The Wii continues to sell out just as shipment is received, and goes for about $150 more than retail on sites like Amazon and ebay, despite the fact that they system has been out for well over a year. There’s no end in sight to the massive demand. It could potentially jump its way to #2 or #1 by the time this console generation is over. If you don’t believe that, think of this: The newest console generation is about a year and a half old, so a little less than a third over. Tripling the number of copies sold by Wii Sports places it firmly at number one. It’s unlikely that the Wii will continue selling at the rate it is for a whole five years, but it’s certainly not an impossibility.

At seventh is the latest cutesy, handheld phenomenon, Nintendogs. Despite rave reviews and massive numbers, I’m not completely impressed with it. Pokemon was a really substantial game, a perfect balance of simplicity and depth, and I’m not sure Nintendogs quite matches it. However, I haven’t had extensive playing time with it, so I’m not sure.

Nabbing eighth and ninth are two classic PS2 games. Vice City was controversial but massively loved and enjoyed. It had very much of a cool factor to it, meaning adults and young adults weren’t hesitant to get their hands on it, unlike Pokemon. Gran Turismo also has a cool, authentic factor to it. It was so detailed with its depiction of sports cars and racing, and earned such rave reviews, that it was snatched up by millions.

At tent, eleventh, and fourteenth are more Pokemon games, a few years removed from the immense cultural machine that was the Pokemon fad when Red and Blue were released. Nonetheless, consumers still seem to come out in droves to pick up any Pokemon-related product. Pokemon games usually receive favorable reviews, which certainly helps.

Nabbing twelfth is a remake of the #1 game on this list, except in hand-held format. The game created quite a buzz when it came out and the Game Boy was the latest big thing in video games. Only Tetris, #2, was bigger at the time.

Taking thirteenth is another Mario game, which gained a lot of consumer recognition because of the title’s similarity to #1 on this list. As you discover more and more about video games, it becomes more and more clear how all-encompassing Mario’s impact on the video game industry and market has been.

Finally, at number fifteen, we have San Andreas, one of the most controversial games of all time with the “Hot Coffee” scandal. However, it is one of the most critically acclaimed games of its generation, earning impeccable review scores from many game publications, including the beloved Platinum Award from the magazine of Electronic Gaming Monthly, the Holy Grail of review awards.

Here is a breakdown by system:

• Game Boy: 4 games (26.7%)
• PS2: 3 games (20%)
• DS: 3 games (20%)
• NES: 2 games (13.3%)
• GBA: 1 game (6.7%)
• Wii: 1 game (6.7%)
• SNES: 1 game (6.7%)

Discuss: Are these the games you expected to see on the list?

There’s just something about the sport of basketball that attracts the ugliest athletes. I don’t know why it is, and I’m not sure anyone ever will.

Through my many hours of studying this burgeoning field, I’ve come to notice that some players’ ugliness is so powerful, so pervasive, that they dwarf the competition. I kept looking over my shoulder to see if Tom Hanks was around, because these cats are in a League of Their Own when it comes to ugliness.

It is my odd pleasure to present to you the cream of the crap, the fifteen ugliest players in the NBA.

15. Chauncey Billups

We start our list off with Pistons point guard and team captain Chauncey Billups. Chauncey is the right on the borderline of “ugly” and “fugly” — he’s the guy that girls might give a chance if he’s really sweet and because he has lots of money. But I’m guessing Chauncey’s luck with the ladies is inversely proportional to how well-lit a bar is.

14. Ben Wallace

Ben Wallace’s misshapen afro is somewhere between really sweet and friggin weird. I mean, I give him credit for growing the ‘fro, which has scientifically been proven to be the most awesome hairstyle. But it’s just uneven and oddly shaped. Whatever the case, though, it distracts from his pretty ugly mug.

13. Michael Ruffin

There is no doubt that Michael Ruffin, offensive stud* is one ugly dude, but I had to knock him down a few spots on this list because he’s so happy-looking. I mean, can you look at that picture and not smile yourself?

*When I say offensive stud, I’m being completely sarcastic. He averages more fouls per game than points.

12. Vlade Divac

Vlade looks like a man who can hold his liquor, I’ll give him that much, but what’s with the sloppy hair and hideous goatee thing? The droopy-looking eyes don’t help.

11. Brevin Knight

Brevin Knight looks normal-ish, until you get a three-quarters perspective of his face.

And then you realize he has an oddly shaped head and little beady eyes that bulge out like an alien’s.

10. Shelden Williams

I no longer feel comfortable classifying that as a forehead. That right there is a fivehead.

9. Tyronn Lue

Ugly smile? Check. Ugly, woman-ish hair? Check. Ugly facial stubble? Check. Ugly, asymmetric ears and eybrows? Check. Tyronn Lue’s got the works. He’s a staple of basketball ugliness.

8. Nick Van Exel

I never thought it would be possible to combine the attributes of babyish face, pointy head, and creepy moustache into one human, but Nick Van Exel pulls it off. Despite his straight-up ugliness, Nick Van Exel’s look reminds me of the type tough thug you’d see in a gangster movie: poised and collected. And, hey, he sank some clutch shots in his career, so maybe that guess isn’t too far off.

7. Sun Ming Ming

In case you’re wondering, Sun Ming Ming is the ridiculously tall Asian guy drenched in sweat with disproportionately large eye sockets. Not the reporter who bears an uncanny resemblance to Simon Cowell.

6. Adonal Foyle

Though Adonal Foyle is smiling in this picture, do not be fooled. He is scowling 99% of the time. From this picture, it may seem like it’s the smile that’s scrunching up his face, but if you look at any other picture of him, you realize that he just has a scrunched face.

Adonal’s ugly game exacerbates his ugly mug. The talent he has in blocking shots does not make up for his gaping lack of offensive skill and basic hand-eye coordination, as he often struggles to even catch passes.

5. Lorenzo Mata

Lorenzo Mata is so ugly that when he was born, the doctor slapped his mom. Approximately 80% of his smile is on the right (our left) side of his nose, creating a frighteningly unbalanced face. That Adidas headband is pretty cool, but not a tenth cool enough to distract us from the abysmal facial hair.

I would also like to to point out Lorenzo Mata’s goofy free throw stance.

4. Joakim Noah

Joakim Noah’s girlish hair and goofy face are legendary. I honestly wouldn’t have been surprised if a WNBA team drafted him by mistake. A few of you out there are probably upset that I didn’t put Noah at number one on this list, actually. But just you wait.

3. Tyrone Hill

I’m sure Tyrone Hill is a nice guy. Well, I sure hope he is. His inner beauty better be working for him, because his outer beauty ain’t doing too well. Remember how I mentioned that Chauncey Billups, #15, was on the border of ugly and fugly? Tyrone Hill is what Chauncey Billups would look like if he went full-throttle into fugly territory and overshot it by a couple miles.

Tyrone Hill is also a part of one of the strangest basketball photos I’ve ever seen. I have no idea what is going on here. The actions of the players do not match up into any simple, reasonable situation.

2. Popeye Jones

Poor Popeye Jones. Poor, poor, Popeye Jones. Well, rich Popeye Jones, considering he’s a professional athlete. But that face of his! That scrunched mouth and those lopsided, goofy ears. That bewildering gaze. That shiny bald head. It all melds together into one epicly ugly expression. It’s so hard to take a man seriously when he looks like that.

1. Sam Cassell

Ladies and gentlemen, our grand champion:

What is there to say about Sam Cassell that can’t be understood simply by looking at those pictures? I do not know. That alien-like head, those obnoxious teeth, that ridiculous pose in the bottom photo.  They speak for themselves.

My grandfather once told me a story about how, when he was signing up to join the Army, there was a clause 7C in the contract that said you could be dishonorably discharged for being “excessively ugly.” I’m not sure if the story is true, but if it is, I make a motion for Sam Cassell’s number to be changed from whatever it is right now to 7C in honor of his rightful status as the ugliest man in basketball. Congratulations, Sam, we salute you.

Special note:

Please do not take any of my demeaning remarks to seriously. These guys ain’t exactly pretty, but I’m no Jessica Alba myself, so my comments are all meant to be in good fun. I have great respect for how far these athletes have made it and wish them the best in the future.