Archive for the 'Originals' Category


The 25 Best Weezer Songs

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Weezer is a fantastic alt-rock band that I have loved since I first heard “Buddy Holly” on the radio a decade ago.  Since then, I’ve taken the time to get to know their music.  I own every album and just about every EP and single, so I’ve observed the band’s evolution from misunderstood rockers to pop curiosity of recent years.

Though I in no way qualify as a “hardcore” Weezer follower, I am certainly a pretty big fan, and here is my opinion as to the twenty-five greatest songs they have recorded and released on major albums.

My ranking is of the studio versions, and no live tracks, B-sides, special editions, or unreleased material has been included. Particular care has been taken to judge the songs on their musical merit, and not consider them based on music videos or other factors external from the albums themselves.  Plenty of singles have been included, but some haven’t been.  Don’t be surprised to see an album track or two fighting their way up there.

Here’s a little bit of background on Weezer if you want to brush up.

Of course, these picks are just my educated opinion.  Feel free to disagree (and let me know in the comments).  Before I start, I also want to say that just about any track from Weezer’s blue album or Pinkerton could have pushed for a spot on this list.  I love both of those albums in their entirety.  And, without further ado, my picks.  Enjoy!

25. Burndt Jam (Maladroit)

The draw to this song is the catchy guitar riff that the whole melody is built around.  It’s one of a couple tracks on the album that has a distinct enough sound to stick in your head and keep you coming back.

24.  December (Maladroit)

Finally a moment of lightness — after an album of hard-hitting jams, Weezer ends their fourth album with a poppy, upbeat number.  Who can forget the chorus with the words “only love” repeated finishing off the song and album?

23. Island in the Sun (Weezer - green)

Why has this gone down as Weezer’s most popular, best-known song?  It rocks the iTunes charts and has become the dorky four’s signature song.  I always thought it was a bit overrated, though its mellowness and guitar hooks are charming.  Hep hep.

22. Thought I Knew (Weezer - red)

Penned and sung by guitarist Brian Bell, Thought I Knew gives us a different spin on Weezer.  After five albums of the usually excellent Rivers Cuomo taking the lead, his songwriting themes and vocal style have been relentlessly pounded into our heads, so the variety is nice.  Plus the song is darn good — think Fastball in their prime with a Weezer shine on it.

21. We Are All on Drugs (Make Believe)

A tireless satire of drug abuse in the vein of Afroman’s Because I Got High (though not quite as great), We Are All on Drugs is also one of the few tracks on Make Believe worth repeated listens.  Its driving guitar runs push elevate it from the shiny almost-pop that cluttered the rest of the album.

20.  Photograph (Weezer - green)

Short and succinct, but with as timeless a hook as just about any Weezer song, Photograph is a vintage example of the exciting, though somewhat insubstantial power-pop that makes Weezer’s green album such an exciting listen.  Not to be confused with the sappy Nickelback power ballad.

19. Pork and Beans (Weezer - red)

The lyrics are inane (intentially so, I hope), but the hook is so dang good you’ll still be shouting the lyrics as the song blasts from your car radio.  It’s one of the catchiest, most interesting songs since Weezer’s green album.

18. Undone (Weezer - blue)

Somewhat of a novelty, Undone would have a shot at a top five or top ten spot on this list if it had trimmed the talking, skit-like interludes between the verses and refrains.  The refrain has the sort of sunny guitar lick and melody that made Weezer so lovable and famous in the first place.  How can you not love shouting “IF YOU WANT TO DESTROY MY SWEATER….”?

17.  Space Rock  (Maladroit)

Hidden in the fourth Weezer album is a gem of an album track.  It doesn’t soar quite high enough nor have enough ambition to be a single, but it’s a delightful listen; the occasional song like this buried in album can do a lot to prove legitimacy of the talent of a band.

16. Getchoo (Pinkerton)

Perhaps the fiercest, edgiest song Weezer has released, Getchoo is unforgettable.  Its cynicism is propelled by an exciting — almost violent — tune and sonic texture.  The lyrics have a perfect rhythm and poetry to them.  “It used to be a game / now it’s a crying shame.”

15. Across the Sea (Pinkerton)

Rivers Cuomo has written about vulnerability and loneliness more times than I care to remember, but rarely as honestly or touchingly as in this excellent song off of Weezer’s second album.  A love song to a Japanese fangirl who wrote him a letter in one of his moments of isolation, Across the Sea penetrates both into a man’s rise to fame and his inner desperation.

14.  Keep Fishin’ (Maladroit)

The syncopation of the guitar, the bounciness of the refrain, and the backup vocals bring a potentially boring song into a small pop-rock masterpiece.  Though its lyrics aren’t as interesting as the stuff you find on the blue album or Pinkerton, the music might as well be straight out of Weezer’s glory days.

13.  Pink Triangle (Pinkerton)

“Everyone’s a little queer / Oh, can’t she be a little straight?”  A litte bit funny, a little bit heartbreaking, a little bit pathetic?  All of the above.  Pink Triangle is a love letter to a Lesbian and beautifully straddles the line of comedy and tragedy.

12. Beverly Hills (Make Believe)

Some Weezer fans despise it; I love it.  The first single off of Make Believe might have been a more routine affair than the band’s early hits from the mid ’90s, but it brilliantly twisted the beat-driven pop scene into something distinctly guitar driven and pure Weezer.

11. Hash Pipe (Weezer - green)

The continuous bass run complemented by almost-falsetto vocals of Rivers Cuomo might be the most distinctive, memorable sound ever constructed in a Weezer song.  The lyrics, purportedly written in the middle of night after Cuomo woke up and popped some Ritalin, are bizarre and nonsensical but memorable.

10. Butterfly (Pinkerton)

Instrumented with just an acoustic guitar, Butterfly is the closest thing Weezer ever wrote to a pure ballad.   Concealed by the innocuous sound is one of the saddest, most haunting songs I’ve ever heard.  A simple story of catching a butterfly thinly veils a tale of inner and outer destruction.  The final notes of the song — and the album — are joined by Rivers croaks “I’m sorry,” forming one of the most chilling moments in music.  Opera fans with a sharp eye might notice the parallels between this song and the end of Madame Butterfly, which only adds to the song’s intrigue.

9. The Greatest Man That Ever Lived (Weezer - red)

Weezer built their career on creative hooks and charmingly insecure lyrics.  Therefore it’s strange that this song, has such a familiar tune and displays bewildering self-confidence (”I am the greatest man that ever lived”) .  Though it’s a different approach, it still feels like Weezer, in all its eclectic glory.  It’s ballsy, it’s quirky, it’s brilliant.

8. Surf Wax America (Weezer - blue)

Bubbly, sunny guitar rock fills Weezer’s first album.  However, a close listen revealed a true pathos in the lyrics of nearly every song.  The one song from the album which has breezy lyrics to match the album’s melodies was Surf Wax America (though even it has a slight air of loneliness to it).  The result is a masterful pop song, complete with a brilliant hooks and classic lines. For example:”I’m going surfing ’cause I don’t like your face.”  Might be my favorite Weezer line to date.

7. Tired of Sex (Pinkerton)

From the screeching guitars to the band’s straining voices to the sporadic shouting, the first song of Weezer’s second album shows right away that sunniness of the debut is history.  It’s as much a sonic assault as a straightforward song.  Fortunately, the more intense, more stark sound yields a more profound, fully-formed piece of musical expression.  A catchy Weezer melody is buried within a more complex sound, and the result is both bizarre and sublime.

6. Say It Ain’t So (Weezer - blue)

The brilliance of Say It Ain’t So relies on the fact that Weezer decided to take the song slow.  If they had sped it up, it would’ve been far less distinguishable from a dozen and a half other songs by the band.  As it stands, though, Say It Ain’t So is one of Weezer’s masterpieces.  With the off-beat up-strum and a cool, constant beat, Say It Ain’t So is a blend of reggae, metal, and pop brought to life by heartbreaking lyrics about the Cuomo’s youth, troubled by his father’s alcoholism.

5. The Good Life (Pinkerton)

Most of the songs on Pinkerton deal with big troubles in life — loneliness, desperation, frustration — told through metaphors and images of little things.  The Good Life ups the ante and wears its epicness on its sleeve.  Instead of stories about butterflies, Lesbians, and groupies, this song is a straight-up confessional about falling out of happiness.  “When I look in the mirror / I can’t believe what I see / Tell me who’s this funky dude / Staring back at me.”   Equally epic is the melody, soaring higher and lower more dramatically than any Weezer song to date.

4. Dope Nose (Maladroit)

The best Weezer song of the past decade is fast, simple, and short.  The guitar pounds out a peppy, high-voltage series of riffs not seen since from Weezer since Buddy Holly.  The lyrics are weightless, accompanying the timeless licks with catchy lines instead of solid substance.  Rather than a fault, the insubstantial lyrics allow to Dope Nose to rock out uninhibited. In 2:17, Weezer pumps out a tune that sounds like vintage power-pop, but faster and better.

3. Only In Dreams (Weezer - blue)

Regarded by some as one of the premier guitar tracks of the 1990s (in fact, Q Magazine picked it as the #9 guitar song of all time), Only In Dreams is a vast explosion of all the tension built up in the nine self-conscious, insecure tracks that precede it on Weezer’s debut album.  The layered guitar riffs build and coalese into a stunning three-minute crescendo that is one of the defining points of Weezer’s career.

2. Buddy Holly (Weezer - blue)

With the most infectious guitar riff since the Beatles’ Twist and Shout and a little wink of self-conscious irony, Weezer’s second single is one of the most memorable tracks of the 1990’s.  It’s silly without being annoying, it features guitar-work to lend it rock and roll legitmacy, and it’s nerdy in just right ways.  Ultimately, it’s an odd little alt-rock masterpiece, the piece that put Weezer on the map, one of my favorite songs.  And that’s for all of time.

1. El Scorcho (Pinkerton)

From the opening gurgle to the final chorus, El Scorcho is at once yanking our chains and crying tears of honest despair.  Is it truly pathetic, or is it a self-knowing twist of melodrama?  As the junky references to wrestling and snotty punk music are interwoven with opera allusions and the jangly rhythm guitar collides with a heartbreaking vocal performance, we listeners are still left hanging.  And so we keep coming back, listening to it over and over, unable to get it out of our heads, until we realize that the song is intentionally an enigma, a perfect juxtaposition of dorky earnestness and consumable junk-culture.  I rank it among my top half-dozen or so favorite songs of all time, and consider both a work of art and a guilty pleasure.

Top 10 Greatest Gamecube Games - A Comprehensive Study

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Pretty much every major video game site or blog put together big “best-of” lists for the last major console as the next generation of games started to come out.  The most interesting of these was the Gamecube lists, for a few reasons.  First of all, it had the fewest cross-platform games, making the lists the most insular.  Next, the Gamecube games continue to live on because of the backward compatibility and ‘Cube controller compatibility of the Wii.  Finally, Nintendo has always had the most obsessive, hardcore fans, the type of fans who will compulsively rank and debate their favorites because they love them so much.

I found a few lists I liked across the net and decided to assemble them into one ultimate, comprehensive top ten list.  There was a suprising amount of consitency, though nearly every list had its unique picks not seen on the other lists.  With some number crunching and weighting in a spreadsheet, I was able to come upon a final order for the games.

Without further ado, the lists, and my tabulation of the concensus Top 10 Greatest Gamecube games.

List #1:  IGN

  1. Metroid Prime
  2. Resident Evil 4
  3. Super Smash Bros. Melee
  4. The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker
  5. Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem
  6. Pikmin 2
  7. F Zero GX
  8. Prince of Persia: Sands of Time
  9. Super Mario Sunshine
  10. Wave Race: Blue Storm

I love IGN’s writing and I think their picks are pretty solid.  Few argue with the greatness of the first five, and they put up good cases for the greatness of the second five.  I think number ten is a little bit of a surprise, especially since Double Dash didn’t make the top ten.  Overall, though, this is excellently done and quite enjoyable.  I recommend you give it a read and see what games they picked for numbers 11-25, as it’s a Top 25 list in actuality.

List #2: Gamespot

  1. Metroid Prime
  2. Resident Evil 4
  3. Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem
  4. Star Wars Rogue Leader: Rogue Squadron 2
  5. The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker
  6. Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door
  7. Pikmin 2
  8. Viewtiful Joe
  9. Freedom Fighters
  10. Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 4

Gamespot is great because they provide a wealth of information for each game.  Unlike IGN’s list, it’s a systematic organization of highest review scores.  From what I’ve read, other games were more memorable and left a more lasting impact than Tony Hawk 4 or Freedom Fighters.  Still, the list is comprehensive and provides a gateway to more information.  The list also goes on and ranks every game released for the ‘Cube, certainly a useful resource for Wii and Cube owners looking good games they might have missed.

List #3: metacritic

  1. Metroid Prime
  2. Resident Evil 4
  3. The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
  4. The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker
  5. The Legend of Zelda: Collector’s Edition
  6.  Madden NFL 2004
  7. Soul Calibur II
  8. Viewtiful Joe
  9. Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem
  10. SSX 3

The site metacritic.com doesn’t write its own reivews.  Rather, it culls reviews from various other sites and given a score out of 100.  As much as I love most of these picks, I think simple critical praise at the time of release shouldn’t be the barometer for how great a game is.  Some games are great at the time, but are quickly topped.  Others simply fade from memory.

The best and most memorable games stick with you and leave a longer-lasting impact.  That’s something that can’t completely be judged during the first few days you play it.  Case in point: Madden 2004 being in the top ten of best reviewed games.  Most agree it’s good, but few people argue that it’s one of the system’s ten best games (though I did enjoy it thoroughly, personally).  However, metacritic’s still an interesting list to look at, and points you in the direction of various reviews from across the net.

List #4: GameSpy

  1. Resident Evil 4
  2. The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker
  3. Metroid Prime
  4. Super Smash Bros. Melee
  5. Soul Calibur II
  6. Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem
  7. Beyond Good and Evil
  8. Mario Kart: Double Dash!!
  9. Viewtiful Joe
  10. Super Mario Sunshine

GameSpy’s list is my favorite out of the lists I looked at, not just because I like the picks the best, but because the writing is so effective.  If you look at any of these lists, look at this one.

List #5: Kombo

  1. Metroid Prime
  2. The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
  3. The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker
  4. Super Smash Bros. Melee
  5. Resident Evil 4
  6. Super Mario Sunshine
  7. Metroid Prime 2: Echoes
  8. Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem
  9. Pikmin 2
  10. Viewtiful Joe

Kombo is not as established and respected as some of the other sites on this list, but this is one of my favorites of the lists I’ve looked at.  The picks are good, the writing is concise, effusive, and informative, and the site looks great.  A very pleasant read.

List #6: About.com

  1. Beyond Good and Evil
  2. Tales of Symphonia
  3. Resident Evil 4
  4. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Colletor’s Disc
  5. The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker
  6. Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem
  7. Metroid Prime 2: Echoes
  8. Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door
  9. Animal Crossing
  10. Prince of Persia: Sands of Time

I’m generally not a big fan of the mega-blog About.com, but since it’s so widely read and recognized I decided to include it in this tally.  The writing is too brief, and some of the picks are a bit oddball, but I’m digging the inclusion of Animal Crossing and Tales of Symphonia.  Not digging the omission of Double Dash, Metroid Prime 1, and Melee.

THE CONCENSUS:

After tallying the results, assigning number values to different spots on different lists, doing some number crunching, and some swapping based on average placement and frequency of selection, I present to you the comprehensive Top 10 Greatest Gamecube Games according to the Internet.

  1. Metroid Prime

  2. Resident Evil 4
  3. Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker
  4. Legend of Zelda: The Twilight Princess
  5. Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem
  6. Super Smash Bros. Melee
  7. Pikmin 2
  8. Viewtiful Joe
  9. Super Mario Sunshine
  10. Beyond Good and Evil

I weighted About.com’s list less than the others, so Metroid Prime edged out RE4.  Since it seemed like only half of the lists had considered Twilight Priness, as it was such a late addition, I doubled it’s value, and it placed neatly behind Wind Waker, giving them number three and four.   Super Smash did not place in all of the lists, but placed very highly in the ones it did.  Eternal Darkness only barely beat it in my number crunching.   Next came Pikmin 2, followed by a toss-up for eighth, ninth, and tenth.  I decided to rank the three contenders — Mario Sunshine, Viewtiful Joe, and Beyond Good and Evil — by how many top ten lists they had made.

There you go!  What were your favorite games for the Gamecube?  Leave a comment and share!

Here’s a review of everything I looked at in handy table format:

IGN

1. Metroid Prime

2. Resident Evil 4

3. Super Smash Bros. Melee

4. The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker

5. Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem

6. Pikmin 2

7. F Zero GX

8. Prince of Persia: Sands of Time

9. Super Mario Sunshine

10. Wave Race: Blue Storm

Gamespot

1. Metroid Prime

2. Resident Evil 4

3. Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem

4. Star Wars Rogue Leader: Rogue Squadron 2

5. The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker

6. Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door

7. Pikmin 2

8. Viewtiful Joe

9. Freedom Fighters

10. Tony Hawk’s Pro
Skater 4

Metacritic

1. Metroid Prime

2. Resident Evil 4

3. The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

4. The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker

5. The Legend of Zelda: Collector’s Edition

6.  Madden NFL 2004

7. Soul Calibur II

8. Viewtiful Joe

9. Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem

10. SSX 3

GameSpy

   1. Resident Evil 4

   2. The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker

   3. Metroid Prime

   4. Super Smash Bros. Melee

   5. Soul Calibur II

   6. Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem

   7. Beyond Good and Evil

   8. Mario Kart: Double Dash!!

   9. Viewtiful Joe

  10. Super Mario Sunshine

Kombo

1. Metroid Prime

2. The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

3. The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker

4. Super Smash Bros. Melee

5. Resident Evil 4

6. Super Mario Sunshine

7. Metroid Prime 2: Echoes

8. Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem

9. Pikmin 2

10. Viewtiful Joe

About.com

1. Beyond Good and Evil

2. Tales of Symphonia

3. Resident Evil 4

4. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Colletor’s Disc

5. The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker

6. Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem

7. Metroid Prime 2: Echoes

8. Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door

9. Animal Crossing

10. Prince of Persia: Sands of Time

 

CONCENSUS

1. Metroid Prime

2. Resident Evil 4

3. Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker

4. Legend of Zelda: The Twilight Princess

5. Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem

6. Super Smash Bros. Melee

7. Pikmin 2

8. Viewtiful Joe

9. Super Mario Sunshine

10. Beyond Good and Evil

 

 

Top 25 Greatest Quotes from The Shawshank Redemption

I watched The Shawshank Redemption for about the fifth or sixth time last night, and I still love it. What a good movie. That ending never fails to pump me up.

I’ve decided that the best part of the movie is the script. It ranks right up there with Pulp Fiction, Casablanca, and Annie Hall as my favorite scripts ever. There are so many brilliant moments in the script.

This got me thinking. What exactly are the best moments of this exceptional script?

After several hours of combing through the movie and pulling out the best moments, it is my pleasure to present what I believe are the greatest quotes from the script.

Let it be known that this post is a SPOILER WARNING! If you haven’t seen Shawshank, don’t read this post. In fact, don’t read anything else about the movie. Just go see it as soon possible, it’s a mighty fine movie.

Without further ado, I present my twenty-five favorite quotes and exchanges from The Shawshank Redemption.

——–

(n) = narration

25.

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Red (n): I must admit, I didn’t think much of Andy first time I laid eyes on him. Looked like a stiff breeze would blow him over.

24.

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Andy: How could you be so obtuse?

23.

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Board member: Do you feel you’ve been rehabilitated?
Red: Rehabilitated? Well now, let me see. You know, I don’t have any idea what that means.
Board member: Well, it means that you’re ready to rejoin society…
Red: I know what you think it means, sonny. To me it’s just a made up word. Politicians word, so young fellows like yourself can wear a suit and a tie and have a job. What do you really want to know. Am I sorry for what I did?
Board member: Well, are you?
Red: There’s not a day goes by that I don’t feel regret. Not because I’m in here and because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then, a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. Try and talk some sense into him. Tell him the way things are. But I can’t. That kid’s long gone, and this old man is all that is left. I gotta live with that. Rehabilitated? That’s just a bullshit word. So you go on and stamp your form, sonny, and stop wasting my time. ‘Cause, to tell you the truth, I don’t give a shit

22.

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Warden: Lord, it’s a miracle! A man up and vanished like a fart in the wind.

21.

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Red: It’s just shitty pipe dreams. I mean, Mexico is way the hell down there, and you’re in here.

20.

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District Attorney: And that, also, is very convenient. Isn’t it, Mr. Dufresne?
Andy: Since I am innocent of this crime, sir, I find it decidedly inconvenient that the gun was never found.

19.

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Red: I’m telling you, these walls are funny. First you hate them. Then you get used to them. Enough time passes, it gets so you depend on them. That’s institutionalized.

18.

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Red (n): I could see why some of the boys took him for snobby. He had a quiet way about him. A walk and a talk that just wasn’t normal around here. He strolled like a man in a park without a care or a worry in the world, like he had on an invisible coat that would shield him from this place. Yeah, I think it would be fair to say I liked Andy from the start.

17.

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Red (n): Geology is the study of pressure and time. That’s all it takes, really. Pressure and time.

16.

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Red: Only guilty man in Shawshank.

15.

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Heywood: Count of Monte Crisco.
Floyd
: It’s Cristo, you dumb shit.
Heywood
: By Alexan-dree Dumm-ass. Dumbass?
Andy
: Dumm-ass? Dumas. You know what that’s about? You’ll like that, it’s about a prison break.
Red
: We ought to file that under educational too, oughtn’t we?

14.

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Red (n): And that’s how it came to pass that on the second last day of the job, the convict crew that tarred the plate factory roof in the spring of ‘49 wound up sitting in a row at ten o’clock in the morning drinking icy cold Bohemia-style beer, courtesy of the hardest screw that ever walked a turn at Shawshank State Prison.
Captain Hadley: Drink up while it’s cold, ladies.
Red (n): The colossal prick even managed to sound magnanimous. We sat and drank with the sun on our shoulders and felt like free men. Hell, we could have been tarring the roof of one of our own houses. We were the lords of all creation. As for Andy, he spent that break hunkered in the shade, a strange little smile on his face, watching us drink his beer.
Heywood: Hey, want a cold one Andy?
Andy: No thanks, I gave up drinking.
Red (n): You could argue he’d done it to curry favor with the guards or maybe make a few friends among us cons. Me? I think he just did it to feel normal again, if only for a short while.

13.

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Andy: You know what the Mexicans say about the Pacific?
Red: No.
Andy: They say it has no memory. That’s where I want to live the rest of my life. A warm place with no memory.

12.

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Red: They send you here for life, that’s exactly what they’re taking.

11.

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Andy: So you don’t forget… forget that there are places in the world that aren’t made out of stone. That there’s something inside that they can’t get to, that they can’t touch. It’s yours.
Red: What are you talking about?
Andy: Hope.
Red: Hope? Let me tell you something, my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane. It’s got no use on the inside. You better get used to that idea.
Andy: Like Brooks did?

10.

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Andy: I understand you’re a man who knows how to get things.
Red: I’m known to locate certain things from time to time.

9.

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Red (n): Sometimes it makes me sad, though, Andy being gone. I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty when they’re gone. I guess I just miss my friend.

8.

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Brooks: Easy peezy Japanesey.

7.

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The Warden: Salvation lies within.

6.

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Red (n): Andy crawled to freedom through 500 yards of shit-smelling foulness I can’t even imagine. Or maybe I just don’t want to. 500 yards. That’s the length of five football fields, just shy of half a mile.

5.

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Red: This is wear she does that shit with her hair.

4.

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Red (n): I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don’t want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I like to think they were singing about something so beautiful it can’t be expressed in words and makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made those walls dissolve away. And for the briefest of moments, every last man in Shawshank felt free.

3.

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Red: Same ol’ shit, different day.
2.

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Andy: I guess it comes down to a simple choice. Get busy living or get busy dying.

1.

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Red (n): I find I’m so excited I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it’s the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.

The Top 15 Ugliest Basketball Players

There’s just something about the sport of basketball that attracts the ugliest athletes. I don’t know why it is, and I’m not sure anyone ever will.

Through my many hours of studying this burgeoning field, I’ve come to notice that some players’ ugliness is so powerful, so pervasive, that they dwarf the competition. I kept looking over my shoulder to see if Tom Hanks was around, because these cats are in a League of Their Own when it comes to ugliness.

It is my odd pleasure to present to you the cream of the crap, the fifteen ugliest players in the NBA.

15. Chauncey Billups

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We start our list off with Pistons point guard and team captain Chauncey Billups. Chauncey is the right on the borderline of “ugly” and “fugly” — he’s the guy that girls might give a chance if he’s really sweet and because he has lots of money. But I’m guessing Chauncey’s luck with the ladies is inversely proportional to how well-lit a bar is.

14. Ben Wallace

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Ben Wallace’s misshapen afro is somewhere between really sweet and friggin weird. I mean, I give him credit for growing the ‘fro, which has scientifically been proven to be the most awesome hairstyle. But it’s just uneven and oddly shaped. Whatever the case, though, it distracts from his pretty ugly mug.

13. Michael Ruffin

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There is no doubt that Michael Ruffin, offensive stud* is one ugly dude, but I had to knock him down a few spots on this list because he’s so happy-looking. I mean, can you look at that picture and not smile yourself?

*When I say offensive stud, I’m being completely sarcastic. He averages more fouls per game than points.

12. Vlade Divac

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Vlade looks like a man who can hold his liquor, I’ll give him that much, but what’s with the sloppy hair and hideous goatee thing? The droopy-looking eyes don’t help.

11. Brevin Knight

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Brevin Knight looks normal-ish, until you get a three-quarters perspective of his face.

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And then you realize he has an oddly shaped head and little beady eyes that bulge out like an alien’s.

10. Shelden Williams

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I no longer feel comfortable classifying that as a forehead. That right there is a fivehead.

9. Tyronn Lue

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Ugly smile? Check. Ugly, woman-ish hair? Check. Ugly facial stubble? Check. Ugly, asymmetric ears and eybrows? Check. Tyronn Lue’s got the works. He’s a staple of basketball ugliness.

8. Nick Van Exel

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I never thought it would be possible to combine the attributes of babyish face, pointy head, and creepy moustache into one human, but Nick Van Exel pulls it off. Despite his straight-up ugliness, Nick Van Exel’s look reminds me of the type tough thug you’d see in a gangster movie: poised and collected. And, hey, he sank some clutch shots in his career, so maybe that guess isn’t too far off.

7. Sun Ming Ming

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In case you’re wondering, Sun Ming Ming is the ridiculously tall Asian guy drenched in sweat with disproportionately large eye sockets. Not the reporter who bears an uncanny resemblance to Simon Cowell.

6. Adonal Foyle

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Though Adonal Foyle is smiling in this picture, do not be fooled. He is scowling 99% of the time. From this picture, it may seem like it’s the smile that’s scrunching up his face, but if you look at any other picture of him, you realize that he just has a scrunched face.

Adonal’s ugly game exacerbates his ugly mug. The talent he has in blocking shots does not make up for his gaping lack of offensive skill and basic hand-eye coordination, as he often struggles to even catch passes.

5. Lorenzo Mata

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Lorenzo Mata is so ugly that when he was born, the doctor slapped his mom. Approximately 80% of his smile is on the right (our left) side of his nose, creating a frighteningly unbalanced face. That Adidas headband is pretty cool, but not a tenth cool enough to distract us from the abysmal facial hair.

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I would also like to to point out Lorenzo Mata’s goofy free throw stance.

4. Joakim Noah

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Joakim Noah’s girlish hair and goofy face are legendary. I honestly wouldn’t have been surprised if a WNBA team drafted him by mistake. A few of you out there are probably upset that I didn’t put Noah at number one on this list, actually. But just you wait.

3. Tyrone Hill

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I’m sure Tyrone Hill is a nice guy. Well, I sure hope he is. His inner beauty better be working for him, because his outer beauty ain’t doing too well. Remember how I mentioned that Chauncey Billups, #15, was on the border of ugly and fugly? Tyrone Hill is what Chauncey Billups would look like if he went full-throttle into fugly territory and overshot it by a couple miles.

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Tyrone Hill is also a part of one of the strangest basketball photos I’ve ever seen. I have no idea what is going on here. The actions of the players do not match up into any simple, reasonable situation.

2. Popeye Jones

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Poor Popeye Jones. Poor, poor, Popeye Jones. Well, rich Popeye Jones, considering he’s a professional athlete. But that face of his! That scrunched mouth and those lopsided, goofy ears. That bewildering gaze. That shiny bald head. It all melds together into one epicly ugly expression. It’s so hard to take a man seriously when he looks like that.

1. Sam Cassell

Ladies and gentlemen, our grand champion:

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What is there to say about Sam Cassell that can’t be understood simply by looking at those pictures? I do not know. That alien-like head, those obnoxious teeth, that ridiculous pose in the bottom photo.  They speak for themselves.

My grandfather once told me a story about how, when he was signing up to join the Army, there was a clause 7C in the contract that said you could be dishonorably discharged for being “excessively ugly.” I’m not sure if the story is true, but if it is, I make a motion for Sam Cassell’s number to be changed from whatever it is right now to 7C in honor of his rightful status as the ugliest man in basketball. Congratulations, Sam, we salute you.

Special note:

Please do not take any of my demeaning remarks to seriously. These guys ain’t exactly pretty, but I’m no Jessica Alba myself, so my comments are all meant to be in good fun. I have great respect for how far these athletes have made it and wish them the best in the future.