Listosaurus Rex

There’s just something about the sport of basketball that attracts the ugliest athletes. I don’t know why it is, and I’m not sure anyone ever will.

Through my many hours of studying this burgeoning field, I’ve come to notice that some players’ ugliness is so powerful, so pervasive, that they dwarf the competition. I kept looking over my shoulder to see if Tom Hanks was around, because these cats are in a League of Their Own when it comes to ugliness.

It is my odd pleasure to present to you the cream of the crap, the fifteen ugliest players in the NBA.

15. Chauncey Billups

We start our list off with Pistons point guard and team captain Chauncey Billups. Chauncey is the right on the borderline of “ugly” and “fugly” — he’s the guy that girls might give a chance if he’s really sweet and because he has lots of money. But I’m guessing Chauncey’s luck with the ladies is inversely proportional to how well-lit a bar is.

14. Ben Wallace

Ben Wallace’s misshapen afro is somewhere between really sweet and friggin weird. I mean, I give him credit for growing the ‘fro, which has scientifically been proven to be the most awesome hairstyle. But it’s just uneven and oddly shaped. Whatever the case, though, it distracts from his pretty ugly mug.

13. Michael Ruffin

There is no doubt that Michael Ruffin, offensive stud* is one ugly dude, but I had to knock him down a few spots on this list because he’s so happy-looking. I mean, can you look at that picture and not smile yourself?

*When I say offensive stud, I’m being completely sarcastic. He averages more fouls per game than points.

12. Vlade Divac

Vlade looks like a man who can hold his liquor, I’ll give him that much, but what’s with the sloppy hair and hideous goatee thing? The droopy-looking eyes don’t help.

11. Brevin Knight

Brevin Knight looks normal-ish, until you get a three-quarters perspective of his face.

And then you realize he has an oddly shaped head and little beady eyes that bulge out like an alien’s.

10. Shelden Williams

I no longer feel comfortable classifying that as a forehead. That right there is a fivehead.

9. Tyronn Lue

Ugly smile? Check. Ugly, woman-ish hair? Check. Ugly facial stubble? Check. Ugly, asymmetric ears and eybrows? Check. Tyronn Lue’s got the works. He’s a staple of basketball ugliness.

8. Nick Van Exel

I never thought it would be possible to combine the attributes of babyish face, pointy head, and creepy moustache into one human, but Nick Van Exel pulls it off. Despite his straight-up ugliness, Nick Van Exel’s look reminds me of the type tough thug you’d see in a gangster movie: poised and collected. And, hey, he sank some clutch shots in his career, so maybe that guess isn’t too far off.

7. Sun Ming Ming

In case you’re wondering, Sun Ming Ming is the ridiculously tall Asian guy drenched in sweat with disproportionately large eye sockets. Not the reporter who bears an uncanny resemblance to Simon Cowell.

6. Adonal Foyle

Though Adonal Foyle is smiling in this picture, do not be fooled. He is scowling 99% of the time. From this picture, it may seem like it’s the smile that’s scrunching up his face, but if you look at any other picture of him, you realize that he just has a scrunched face.

Adonal’s ugly game exacerbates his ugly mug. The talent he has in blocking shots does not make up for his gaping lack of offensive skill and basic hand-eye coordination, as he often struggles to even catch passes.

5. Lorenzo Mata

Lorenzo Mata is so ugly that when he was born, the doctor slapped his mom. Approximately 80% of his smile is on the right (our left) side of his nose, creating a frighteningly unbalanced face. That Adidas headband is pretty cool, but not a tenth cool enough to distract us from the abysmal facial hair.

I would also like to to point out Lorenzo Mata’s goofy free throw stance.

4. Joakim Noah

Joakim Noah’s girlish hair and goofy face are legendary. I honestly wouldn’t have been surprised if a WNBA team drafted him by mistake. A few of you out there are probably upset that I didn’t put Noah at number one on this list, actually. But just you wait.

3. Tyrone Hill

I’m sure Tyrone Hill is a nice guy. Well, I sure hope he is. His inner beauty better be working for him, because his outer beauty ain’t doing too well. Remember how I mentioned that Chauncey Billups, #15, was on the border of ugly and fugly? Tyrone Hill is what Chauncey Billups would look like if he went full-throttle into fugly territory and overshot it by a couple miles.

Tyrone Hill is also a part of one of the strangest basketball photos I’ve ever seen. I have no idea what is going on here. The actions of the players do not match up into any simple, reasonable situation.

2. Popeye Jones

Poor Popeye Jones. Poor, poor, Popeye Jones. Well, rich Popeye Jones, considering he’s a professional athlete. But that face of his! That scrunched mouth and those lopsided, goofy ears. That bewildering gaze. That shiny bald head. It all melds together into one epicly ugly expression. It’s so hard to take a man seriously when he looks like that.

1. Sam Cassell

Ladies and gentlemen, our grand champion:

What is there to say about Sam Cassell that can’t be understood simply by looking at those pictures? I do not know. That alien-like head, those obnoxious teeth, that ridiculous pose in the bottom photo.  They speak for themselves.

My grandfather once told me a story about how, when he was signing up to join the Army, there was a clause 7C in the contract that said you could be dishonorably discharged for being “excessively ugly.” I’m not sure if the story is true, but if it is, I make a motion for Sam Cassell’s number to be changed from whatever it is right now to 7C in honor of his rightful status as the ugliest man in basketball. Congratulations, Sam, we salute you.

Special note:

Please do not take any of my demeaning remarks to seriously. These guys ain’t exactly pretty, but I’m no Jessica Alba myself, so my comments are all meant to be in good fun. I have great respect for how far these athletes have made it and wish them the best in the future.

The guys over at filmschoolrejects.com have put together a list of the twenty films to most look forward to this year.

Here is their top ten:

1. The Dark Knight
2. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
3. Zack and Miri Make a Porno
4. Iron Man
5. Cloverfield
6. Wall-E
7. Star Trek
8. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
9. Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
10. Hellboy II: The Golden Army

They would have been mad not to put The Dark Knight, sequel to the phenomenal Batman Begins and featuring a psychotic-looking Heath Ledger as Joker, at #1, even though I don’t think it will be the best movie of the year. Nope, I think his #6 pick, Wall-E, Pixar’s next movie, will be the best movie of the year. I am somewhat of a Pixar fan boy, mind you, but I really think Wall-E will be their magnum opus. Pixar’s other movies feature creative and touching scenarios — toys that can talk and have their own little world, a rat that is really a great chef, a lonely clownfish losing his son in the vast ocean, a former superhero going through a middle-age crisis — but Wall-E tops them all: The last robot on Earth is spending eternity at Earth in a junk yard, crushing metal into cubes, before he’s greeted by some extra-terrestrial visitors.

Back to the list: The world is certainly looking forward to the fourth Indiana Jones movie, as the first three are some of the most exciting films ever made. Rumor has it that this one will have more of a campy sci-fi feel to it than previous ones, which should make for some spectacular visuals and exciting cinema.

After that, though, it quickly becomes obvious that 2008 will not be full of as many high-profile sequels as last year. Though this makes the headlines a little bit less exciting, I’m ready for this change. I want to fall in love with a movie I have little expectation for, rather than be constantly disappointed by a movie not living up to the original. Rarely are blockbuster sequels better than the originals. Terminator 2, The Empire Strikes Back, Spider-Man 2, that’s about it.

Iron Man looks to be an excellent Marvel super-hero movie, with one of the coolest trailers around. Cloverfield aims at being this year’s Blair Witch Project, except scarier and deeper. Stoner comedy stars Harold and Kumar need another good movie after their first one was such a hit. Hellboy, work of visual maestro Guillermo del Toro, was decent, and looks to up the ante this time around. The first Chronicles of Narnia was a respectable cinematic translation of the classic children’s book series, but nothing to write home about.

Two movies on the top ten I’m particularly curious about are Star Trek and Zack and Miri. With plenty of franchises seeing grittier, darker, more character-based rebirths (Batman, Bond), it’ll be interesting to see how this Star Trek movie plays out. It could have the potential to convert a lot of casual viewers to the historically nerd-based world of Star Trek.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno, despite its off-setting name, has the potential to be an awkward but warm comedy from director Kevin Smith of Clerks fame. It’s about two people who decide to set up an adult film studio together. I get the feeling it’s going to be something like Little Miss Sunshine but with fewer characters and less cross-country VW Bus riding.

But this is the sort of year when a dark horse could pop out of nowhere and be the big hit of the year, thanks to the lack of big-name sequels headed our way.

What movies are you most looking forward to this year?

Don’t forget to check out the original list, he’s got plenty of good stuff to say.

I’m a list fiend, but even I draw the line sometimes. For example, ranking the one hundred most important people. Ever. Has there ever been a more brazen call for controversy?

Michael H. Hart is a bolder man than I, and developed this list in book form, available on Amazon, “A ranking of the most influential persons in history,” it’s subtitled. Here is the top fifteen:

1. Muhammad
2. Isaac Newton
3. Jesus
4. Buddha
5. Confucius
6. St. Paul
7. Ts’ai Lun
8. Johannes Gutenberg
9. Christopher Columbus
10. Albert Einstein

Some perusal of the Internet reveals that the biggest controversy of this top fifteen is whether Muhammad or Jesus deserves to be number one. I suppose if you’re Christian it’s hard to see anyone other than Jesus at number one because, you know, he’s the key to eternal life.

Hart argues that Jesus founded his religion, leaving only a small circle of disciples, whereas Muhammad founded a religion, spread it, was a public figure for many decades, and died with millions of followers.

Hart adds, though, that Christianity is a more widespread and influential religion than Islam, and is quick to point out that St. Paul, the main spark in the international spread of Christianity, is also in the top ten.

Isaac Newton essentially invented mechanics, the backbone of physics, and co-invented calculus. I remember learning about him in physics class and thinking to myself, “Holy crap, what did this guy not invent?” I was honestly not too shocked to see him so high.

Rounding out the top four is another important religious founder, The Buddha. At number five is philosopher Confucius, best known for developing a myriad of beliefs about morality and ethics. He was long considered the most quotable man in history until Oscar Wilde stole the title before Mark Twain finally snatched it and holds it still today.

This Hart character clearly thinks very highly of paper, as he has the inventor of paper and the inventor of the movable type at numbers seven and eight.

Christopher Columbus started the movement of colonization of the Americas, and also established the unfortunate precedent of mistreating Native Americans.

The most recent man in the top ten is Albert Einstein, who was also Time Magazine’s Man of the Century. Einstein redefined what humanity understood about the relationship between time, mass, and motion, and also redefined humanity’s stereotypes of smart people. In fact, “Einstein” is now a term that fourth grade bullies call kids who get A’s on their math tests.

If you want to see the rest of Hart’s top 100, you can check out this site, which also breaks down in more depth some of the religious issues.

This list is very thought-provoking, but it’s so political and personal that I think it’s more contrversy than it’s worth. But, hey, it could be worse. At least Paris Hilton isn’t included.

I was delighted to stumble across a well-written, authoritative list of the 25 Greatest Rap Albums by hilarious blogger and commentator Byron Crawford from ByronCrawford.com. Here is his complete top twenty-five:

1. N.W.A. - STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON (1988)
2. SNOOP DOGGY DOGG - DOGGYSTYLE (1993)
3. 2PAC - RAP PHENOMENON II (MIX TAPE, 2003)
4. RUN-DMC - RAISING HELL (1986)
5. PHARCYDE - BIZARRE RIDE II: THE PHARCYDE (1992)
6. LL COOL J. - MAMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT (1990)
7. EPMD - UNFINISHED BUSINESS (1989)
8. BEASTIE BOYS - PAUL’S BOUTIQUE (1989)
9. A TRIBE CALLED QUEST - THE LOW-END THEORY (1991)
10. DE LA SOUL - BUHLOONE MINDSTATE (1993)
11. THE D.O.C. - NO ONE CAN DO IT BETTER (1989)
12. ERIC B. AND RAKIM - FOLLOW THE LEADER (1988)
13. GENIUS/GZA - LIQUID SWORDS
14. GHOSTFACE KILLAH - SUPREME CLIENTELE (2000)
15. GETO BOYS - THE RESURRECTION (1996)
16. WYCLEF JEAN - THE CARVINAL (1997)
17. ICE CUBE - AMERIKKKA’S MOST WANTED (1990)
18. SCARFACE - MR. SCARFACE IS BACK (1991)
19. JAY-Z - REASONABLE DOUBT (1996)
20. NAS - STILLMATIC (2001)
21. OUTKAST - AQUEMINI (1998)
22. PUBLIC ENEMY - IT TAKES A NATION OF MILLION TO HOLD US BACK (1988)
23. LAURYN HILL - THE MISEDUCATION OF LAURYN HILL (1998)
24. DJ QUIK - WAY 2 FONKY (1992)
25. DIZZIE RASCAL - BOY IN DA CORNER (2004)

I think this list is great because he gives credit where credit is due all around, and isn’t afraid to disagree with the so-called experts and music writers. Maybe if this list was just thrown out there I wouldn’t think very much of it, but if you read what he has to say about each album, it’s obvious this cat knows what he’s talking about when it comes to rap.

I like the distribution over time: he’s got Run DMC and Eric B. & Rakim, but he also has Outkast and Lauryn Hill. He doesn’t really play favorites by loading up the list with picks from just a few rappers. There’s plenty of range.

I may not agree with every pick — for example, I liked Illmatic more than Stillmatic, and I definitely would’ve included 36 Chambers — but Byron backs up every pick with solid reasoning.

I so liked the list that I wasted a half hour delving through his archives. He’s a pretty funny guy, and if you want a good chuckle, I recommend you check out his blog. His current topic of choice is the 2008 election, particularly the race issues behind it. Very thought-provoking and funny.

In short, check out this man’s list and his blog in general, too. He’s got some good stuff to say all-around.

FilmCritic.com, an excellent film review site, has released a list of their picks for the greatest movie endings. (I assume this is obvious, but major spoiler warning alert — skip over the movies you haven’t seen).

Here is their top ten:

1. Dr. Strangelove (1964)
2. Fight Club (1999)
3. Chinatown (1974)
4. Casablanca (1942)
5. Bonnie and Clyde (1967)
6. Boogie Nights (1997)
7. Night of the Living Dead (1968)
8. Big Night (1996)
9. Don’t Look Now (1973)
10. Some Like It Hot (1959)

There are a few unconventional picks in there. Boogie Nights is a beloved movie, but I’ve never seen its ending mentioned among the best ever. I’m not sure I’d ever heard of Big Night before this list, and I haven’t actually seen mostly-forgotten horror flick Don’t Look Now.

It’s hard to argue with most of those picks, though. I’m not sure I loved the ending of Chinatown enough to put it in the top five, but there’s no doubt it’s a classic. I was surprised, and impressed, to see Bonnie and Clyde so high: it’s abrupt, stark finale is an amazing moment in cinema.

The rest of the fifty don’t disappoint either. There’s a respectable mix of old and new, blockbusters and cult favorites, comedy and drama. The authors’ writing is penetrative and thoughtful. Each pick is clearly well-thought out, too, with specific reasons for the spot.

I could nitpick about minor qualms I have (Usual Suspects not high enough, no Rudy, no Psycho), but the list is so charming, thoughtful, and complete, that I’ll just let it go. Instead, I’ll remark how pleasantly surprised I was to see Batman Begins, Pulp Fiction, Before Sunset, and a few other personal favorites on there.

The list is clearly passionate, well-informed, and thoughtful. For any cinephiles out there, I recommend you check it out. Who knows, you may fall in love with FilmCritic.com and its 7000+ reviews like I have.

This post is an entrant in the Carnival of Cinema: Episode 58