The Top 15 Ugliest Basketball Players
There’s just something about the sport of basketball that attracts the ugliest athletes. I don’t know why it is, and I’m not sure anyone ever will.
Through my many hours of studying this burgeoning field, I’ve come to notice that some players’ ugliness is so powerful, so pervasive, that they dwarf the competition. I kept looking over my shoulder to see if Tom Hanks was around, because these cats are in a League of Their Own when it comes to ugliness.
It is my odd pleasure to present to you the cream of the crap, the fifteen ugliest players in the NBA.
15. Chauncey Billups
We start our list off with Pistons point guard and team captain Chauncey Billups. Chauncey is the right on the borderline of “ugly” and “fugly” — he’s the guy that girls might give a chance if he’s really sweet and because he has lots of money. But I’m guessing Chauncey’s luck with the ladies is inversely proportional to how well-lit a bar is.
14. Ben Wallace
Ben Wallace’s misshapen afro is somewhere between awesome and friggin’ weird. I mean, I give him credit for growing the ‘fro, which is the most awesome hairstyle. But it’s just uneven and oddly shaped. Whatever the case, at least it distracts from his ugly mug.
13. Michael Ruffin
There is no doubt that Michael Ruffin, offensive stud* is one ugly dude, but I had to knock him down a few spots on this list because he’s so happy-looking. I mean, can you look at that picture and not smile yourself?
*When I say offensive stud, I’m being completely sarcastic. He averages more fouls per game than points.
12. Vlade Divac
Vlade looks like a man who can hold his liquor, I’ll give him that much, but what’s with the sloppy hair and hideous goatee thing? The droopy-looking eyes don’t help.
11. Brevin Knight
Brevin Knight looks pretty normal, until you get a three-quarters perspective of his face.
And then you realize he has an oddly shaped head and beady eyes that bulge out like an alien’s.
10. Shelden Williams
Shelden Williams has a fivehead.
9. Tyronn Lue
Ugly smile? Check. Ugly, woman-ish hair? Check. Ugly facial stubble? Check. Ugly, asymmetric ears and eybrows? Check. Tyronn Lue’s got the works. He’s a staple of basketball ugliness.
8. Nick Van Exel
I never thought it would be possible to combine the attributes of babyish face, pointy head, and creepy moustache into one human, but Nick Van Exel pulls it off. Despite his straight-up ugliness, I think that Nick Van Exel has a tough and suave look that you’d see in a gangster movie: poised and collected. And, hey, he sank some clutch shots in his career, so maybe “poised and collected” isn’t too far off.
7. Sun Ming Ming
In case you’re wondering, Sun Ming Ming is the ridiculously tall Asian guy drenched in sweat with disproportionately large eye sockets. Not the reporter who bears an uncanny resemblance to Simon Cowell.
6. Adonal Foyle
Though Adonal Foyle is smiling in this picture, do not be fooled. He is scowling 99% of the time. From this picture, it may seem like it’s the smile that’s scrunching up his face, but if you look at any other picture of him, you realize that he just has a scrunched face.
Adonal’s ugly game exacerbates his ugly mug. As much as I love watching the guy play, the talent he has in blocking shots does not make up for his gaping lack of offensive skill and basic hand-eye coordination, as he often struggles to even catch passes.
5. Lorenzo Mata
Lorenzo Mata is majoring in ugliness at UCLA. Â Approximately 80% of his smile is on the right (our left) side of his nose, creating a frighteningly unbalanced face. That Adidas headband is pretty cool, but not cool enough to distract us from the terrible facial hair.
I would also like to to point out Lorenzo Mata’s goofy free throw stance.
4. Joakim Noah
Joakim Noah’s girlish hair and goofy face are legendary. I wouldn’t have been surprised if a WNBA team drafted him by mistake. A few of you out there are probably upset that I didn’t put Noah at number one on this list, actually. But just you wait.
3. Tyrone Hill
I’m sure Tyrone Hill is a nice guy. His inner beauty better be working for him, because his outer beauty ain’t doing too well. Remember how I mentioned that Chauncey Billups, #15, was on the border of ugly and fugly? Tyrone Hill is what Chauncey Billups would look like if he went full-throttle into fugly territory and overshot it by a couple miles.
Tyrone Hill is also a part of one of the strangest basketball photos I’ve ever seen. I have no idea what is going on here. The actions of the players do not match up into any simple, reasonable situation.
2. Popeye Jones
Poor Popeye Jones. (Actually, Popeye Jones is probably rich, considering he’s a professional athlete.) Â That face of his! That scrunched mouth and those lopsided, goofy ears. That distant gaze. That shiny bald head. It all melds together into one bewildering expression.
1. Sam Cassell
Ladies and gentlemen, our grand champion:
Could there be another contender in this category than Sam? I do not know. That alien-like head, those obnoxious teeth, that ridiculous pose in the bottom photo. They speak for themselves.
My grandfather once told me a story about how, when he was signing up to join the Army, a clause in the contract labeled 7C said you could be dishonorably discharged for being “excessively ugly.” I’m not sure if the story is true, but if it is, I make a motion for Sam Cassell’s number to be changed from whatever it is right now to 7C in honor of his rightful status as the ugliest man in basketball. Congratulations, Sam, we salute you.
Special note:
Please do not take any of my demeaning remarks to seriously. These guys ain’t exactly pretty, but I’m no George Clooney myself, so my comments are all meant to be in good fun. I have great respect for how far these athletes have made it and wish them the best in the future.
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Wow, I always thought Noah was pretty goofy-looking, but that was before I saw Mr. Alien Guy Who Makes Ridiculous Hand Gestures. Oh man.
On another note, that weird pic that looks like Hill is kicking the ball looks really photoshopped. I don’t know if it actually is… just saying. But in any case, it made me laugh out loud for a looong time. xD
What? No Dikembe Mutombo?
Mutombo has bad teeth, and in the early nineties he had an ugly haircut (didn’t everyone). I suppose he give some of the people around 13-15 a run for their money.
I love the “I’m only joking, please don’t come to my house and kick my ass” blurb at the end
Ben Handlogten. Played for the Jazz a couple years ago.
This is hilarious! The NBA has to be one of the ugliest collection of human beings ever. In response to the person’s comment about it being mean and they have money. I don’t give a f— if I was dead broke living on the streets as long as I had my looks. Atleast I know that if I cleaned myself up a girl would want to sleep with me and not because I had money. On top of that, these guys know for sure their kids are going to come out butt ugly.
wheres marquis daniels???? that foo is easily top 5 most ugliest!
Where’s Patrick Ewing?
how about patrick ewing? or active players only? =)
Hedo Turkoglu tops the list…by far? I thought Sloth from the Goonies was ballin’ it up on the hardwood first time I laid eyes on him.
Hey!! Where is Roberto Dueñas!!
The Bulls had his rigths but they never exercised.
Sam Cassel is a pretty face next to him!!
Although you said you were joking, it’s still messed up that you said that. Besides, I am sure if someone was looking for bad photos of you..they’d find them. A LOT.
@Ashley
They probably wouldn’t find too many bad ones of me unless they’re facebook friends with me. But, yep! All of this is meant in good fun!
May I introduce you to a few former UConn players, both on the 2004 NCAA Championship Team:
Charlie Villanueva (this guy has a weird disease where he has no hair, run and hide your children):
http://kfba.net/etc/playerpics/925.jpg
http://thetimetube.com/wp-content/uploads/Ugliest People/charlie_villanueva.jpg
Josh Boone:
http://sportsmedia.ign.com/sports/image/article/772/772542/josh-boone-interview-20070313032529805-000.jpg
LMFAO! as i was reading the list i was gettin mad as hell cuz i like most these players then i read ur disclaimer…good thing u had it in there. but i dont think chauncey billips or joakim noah should be in here cuz they both look really nice off the court. u should do finest nba ballers w/ dwade @ #1 of course!
Jeeze this is a good list, but where is Adam Morrison he is one ugly looking dude. Also, can anyone tell me how in the hell Shelden Williams a very unattractive man got a woman like Candice Parker to marry him and have a baby with him??? I feel bad for their kids if they get his looks.
i dont think sun ming ming is ugly?
How about the 1979 Boston Celtics? They are only slightly more talented than they are ugly.
Decent list, but I don’t think that Chauncey, Vlade, Brevin, Nick, or Tyrone are all that bad.
And, I am at a loss to see how Sam Cassell got number one. He is definitely not the worst looking player on your list.
You are retarded, find something else to do bro!!!!
You gotta put Delonte West in there. He just looks like an enormous rat.
You guys are late me and my home boy already complied this list years ago. Here is our official list:
15. Cadillac Anderson with the Spurs years ago. He look like a sturgeon fish.14. Manute Bol looks like a 7′6 Bill Dukes.
13. Robert Parrish looking a wooden cigar store indian.
12. Steve Bucknall 11. Olden Polynice 10. Patrick Ewing looks like Donkey Kong/King Kong 9. Anthony Mason the original Bill Dukes Look a like.8. Greg Oden looks like a old ass Lebron James or Wise Lebron from the Nike commercials. 7. Scottie Pippen look like a mushroom from Super Mario Brothers. 6.Dennis Rodman looking like the TRex from Jurassic Park. 5. Craig Hodges looking like Space Modulator from the Bugs Bunny cartoons.4. Mahter Nidaye lookin like bOXER JACK jOHNSON
DRUM ROLL PLEASE:
3.Dikembe Mutumbo lookin like the rock monster from the Herculords cartoon
2.Popeye Jones lookin like Nosferatu the original vampire.
1.Sam Cassell lookin like E.T. and the creature from Enemy Mine.
STEPHEN JACKSON and CHRIS KAMEN
i think Ben Wallace is Gorgeous (capital G). but maybe that’s because i’m from detroit, where men look like men, not girls…
What an immature, mean-spirited site. Don’t you people realize that you are making fun of real people’s looks? These are athletes but they’re also people with feelings. They have families and sometimes kids. How does it make them feel? It’s’ the 21st century…time to grow up.
editor’s note: guess my disclaimer at the end didn’t sink in — it’s all meant in good teasing fun. but if any of them read it and ask me to take something down, i’d be happy to oblige. i think they have bigger things to worry about then someone like me teasing them.
Jeff S. lighten up. These are grown men with good jobs most of us would love to have. So there’s a site poking some fun at them? I think they can probably take it. Somehow I doubt Sam Cassell is looking up this site and if he has, I’m sure he’s not reading anything he hasn’t heard from Charles Barkley, Gary Payton or Michael Jordan and any number of opposing fans yelling smack to him on the court over the years.
To the comment by Jeff S…..Get Over It….if you don’t like it you dont need to read it. On the topic of ugliest basketball players im surprised Greg Oden, Anderson Varejao and the Birdman arent on the list.
No Shawn Kemp?? I’m a Sonics fan.. (at least I was before OKC robbery) and even I thought he was ugly..
How can you possibly forget Marko Jaric?? The man’s eyes are so damn close together, they pretty much make one and a half eyes.
http://i2.cdn.turner.com/si/2009/basketball/nba/03/13/jaric/marko-jaric.jpg
And that NOSE!! Oooof, I don’t understand how any woman could marry him, ESPECIALLY one as beautiful as Adriana Lima.
Gawd, that man’s ugly.
THIS IS MEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
Antoine Walker likes like a goomba from super mario bros., he is by far the ugliest.
what about reggie miller? c’mon man….that’s a no brainer…lol…my nigga look like a boiled egg bro…..
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