Listosaurus Rex

There’s just something about the sport of basketball that attracts the ugliest athletes. I don’t know why it is, and I’m not sure anyone ever will.

Through my many hours of studying this burgeoning field, I’ve come to notice that some players’ ugliness is so powerful, so pervasive, that they dwarf the competition. I kept looking over my shoulder to see if Tom Hanks was around, because these cats are in a League of Their Own when it comes to ugliness.

It is my odd pleasure to present to you the cream of the crap, the fifteen ugliest players in the NBA.

15. Chauncey Billups

We start our list off with Pistons point guard and team captain Chauncey Billups. Chauncey is the right on the borderline of “ugly” and “fugly” — he’s the guy that girls might give a chance if he’s really sweet and because he has lots of money. But I’m guessing Chauncey’s luck with the ladies is inversely proportional to how well-lit a bar is.

14. Ben Wallace

Ben Wallace’s misshapen afro is somewhere between really sweet and friggin weird. I mean, I give him credit for growing the ‘fro, which has scientifically been proven to be the most awesome hairstyle. But it’s just uneven and oddly shaped. Whatever the case, though, it distracts from his pretty ugly mug.

13. Michael Ruffin

There is no doubt that Michael Ruffin, offensive stud* is one ugly dude, but I had to knock him down a few spots on this list because he’s so happy-looking. I mean, can you look at that picture and not smile yourself?

*When I say offensive stud, I’m being completely sarcastic. He averages more fouls per game than points.

12. Vlade Divac

Vlade looks like a man who can hold his liquor, I’ll give him that much, but what’s with the sloppy hair and hideous goatee thing? The droopy-looking eyes don’t help.

11. Brevin Knight

Brevin Knight looks normal-ish, until you get a three-quarters perspective of his face.

And then you realize he has an oddly shaped head and little beady eyes that bulge out like an alien’s.

10. Shelden Williams

I no longer feel comfortable classifying that as a forehead. That right there is a fivehead.

9. Tyronn Lue

Ugly smile? Check. Ugly, woman-ish hair? Check. Ugly facial stubble? Check. Ugly, asymmetric ears and eybrows? Check. Tyronn Lue’s got the works. He’s a staple of basketball ugliness.

8. Nick Van Exel

I never thought it would be possible to combine the attributes of babyish face, pointy head, and creepy moustache into one human, but Nick Van Exel pulls it off. Despite his straight-up ugliness, Nick Van Exel’s look reminds me of the type tough thug you’d see in a gangster movie: poised and collected. And, hey, he sank some clutch shots in his career, so maybe that guess isn’t too far off.

7. Sun Ming Ming

In case you’re wondering, Sun Ming Ming is the ridiculously tall Asian guy drenched in sweat with disproportionately large eye sockets. Not the reporter who bears an uncanny resemblance to Simon Cowell.

6. Adonal Foyle

Though Adonal Foyle is smiling in this picture, do not be fooled. He is scowling 99% of the time. From this picture, it may seem like it’s the smile that’s scrunching up his face, but if you look at any other picture of him, you realize that he just has a scrunched face.

Adonal’s ugly game exacerbates his ugly mug. The talent he has in blocking shots does not make up for his gaping lack of offensive skill and basic hand-eye coordination, as he often struggles to even catch passes.

5. Lorenzo Mata

Lorenzo Mata is so ugly that when he was born, the doctor slapped his mom. Approximately 80% of his smile is on the right (our left) side of his nose, creating a frighteningly unbalanced face. That Adidas headband is pretty cool, but not a tenth cool enough to distract us from the abysmal facial hair.

I would also like to to point out Lorenzo Mata’s goofy free throw stance.

4. Joakim Noah

Joakim Noah’s girlish hair and goofy face are legendary. I honestly wouldn’t have been surprised if a WNBA team drafted him by mistake. A few of you out there are probably upset that I didn’t put Noah at number one on this list, actually. But just you wait.

3. Tyrone Hill

I’m sure Tyrone Hill is a nice guy. Well, I sure hope he is. His inner beauty better be working for him, because his outer beauty ain’t doing too well. Remember how I mentioned that Chauncey Billups, #15, was on the border of ugly and fugly? Tyrone Hill is what Chauncey Billups would look like if he went full-throttle into fugly territory and overshot it by a couple miles.

Tyrone Hill is also a part of one of the strangest basketball photos I’ve ever seen. I have no idea what is going on here. The actions of the players do not match up into any simple, reasonable situation.

2. Popeye Jones

Poor Popeye Jones. Poor, poor, Popeye Jones. Well, rich Popeye Jones, considering he’s a professional athlete. But that face of his! That scrunched mouth and those lopsided, goofy ears. That bewildering gaze. That shiny bald head. It all melds together into one epicly ugly expression. It’s so hard to take a man seriously when he looks like that.

1. Sam Cassell

Ladies and gentlemen, our grand champion:

What is there to say about Sam Cassell that can’t be understood simply by looking at those pictures? I do not know. That alien-like head, those obnoxious teeth, that ridiculous pose in the bottom photo.  They speak for themselves.

My grandfather once told me a story about how, when he was signing up to join the Army, there was a clause 7C in the contract that said you could be dishonorably discharged for being “excessively ugly.” I’m not sure if the story is true, but if it is, I make a motion for Sam Cassell’s number to be changed from whatever it is right now to 7C in honor of his rightful status as the ugliest man in basketball. Congratulations, Sam, we salute you.

Special note:

Please do not take any of my demeaning remarks to seriously. These guys ain’t exactly pretty, but I’m no Jessica Alba myself, so my comments are all meant to be in good fun. I have great respect for how far these athletes have made it and wish them the best in the future.

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